Sub Zero Temps.....Burrrrrrr.....

Blowing Snow/Windy
-2°
Windchill of Negative 30 Degrees (-30°)
Sever Winter Warning:
Keep all pets and children indoors

This is what I woke up to this morning....negative 2 degrees!!
With a windchill factor of 30 below 0!! Are you kidding me!?

Once it's negative temps do we really even need a number?!
It's just freaking COLD!!!

And I know we're in the windy city and all...but seriously!? What's with the wind!?
Last night, I could have sworn I heard a witch cackling "I'll get you my pretty..." as my house prepared to lift and spin into the air!!

It was that kind of wind...where even your house shudders!
I wondered if the basement might be safer...since we have a wall of windows in our bedroom!
As I laid in bed, I imagined all the glass shattering inward at us!
They didn't! (thank Goodness!) I guess they don't call them "Weather Shield" windows for noth'n!?

All I know, is this California Girl is a LONG way from home!!

My Dad, (who is still living in California) calls to tell me how cold it is.
I ask, "what's cold, Dad?"
his reply..."oh, about 40."

40 degrees....!?!? Are you serious!? "Dad! That's a park day for us!" I joke back, wishing I was kidding!!

Then he'll proceed to tell me all about the house prices there, and how we can NOW afford to live there! Too bad we can't afford to sell the house we're in now! :(

I'm homesick. Really homesick.

Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe it's the fact that I'm lucky if I get to see part of my family at least once a year. Maybe it's because my kids are growing up way too fast and our families are missing it....and they are missing their families!
Maybe I'm homesick for a time and a place that doesn't even exist anymore!?

Whatever the reason...I'm waiting and wondering if I will ever feel at home again...anywhere?!

They say "home will be where the heart is. Never were words so true.
My heart's far...far away...home is too. "

That's actually a quote from the song Home, from the Broadway version of Beauty and the Beast. It was also, appropriately enough...one of my first assignment songs at AMDA upon arriving to New York.

Don't get me wrong. My heart and home are now with my husband...and my boys...but I guess it's still new enough for me that it doesn't have that same comfy, worn in feel...like your favorite, old pair of jeans.

Really, I'm still trying to find my role as "Mother" and "Wife" on a daily basis.
Learning as I go...creating our own traditions and memories.
I'm sure it will all be so much more precious to me in the future when I'm looking back on it! And I hate that! I wish I could feel that same depth of emotion now. For the life I'm living now!

Blogging has certainly helped me with that! Appreciating and enjoying my life in the present!
Reflecting and blogging forces me to sit, think and write what is on my mind or in my life!
It also allows me to view my life differently as it's happening. I notice I am viewing everything almost from an outside perspective rather than being wrapped up in it, obsessing over trivial things that really don't matter!
For instance, now...when Jack proceeds to dump the entire basket of clean laundry I just folded...while I'm folding it...where I once would have blown up in frustration...I can now smile, or even laugh and think...kids will be kids! He's only 1 year old, and it's what he's supposed to be doing...learning his environment and what happens when... and, it makes great material for a blog entry...or a great story for later! :)

SOooo, this blog is getting long! What started as a quick weather report has turned into a, well....whatever it is!? But now that my head is clear...I can go tackle the dishes!
(next to a space heater!) ;) of course!

Next Time

It has recently occurred to me that I may have married a 5 year old in a grown man's body!
I'm sure many women can relate to that intro. but to make matters worse, this one has the only child syndrome...bad!

He not only thinks he needs and wants every new toy the moment it's available... but pouts like a baby if he doesn't get it the moment he mentions he wants it!
It's exhausting!!
I SO resent having to be the bad cop all the time...
"NO, you can't have 'it'...because we can't afford 'it', that's why!"
It sucks!

It's not small ticket stuff here!
He wants a new car and an I phone...instead, he settled for a Mac Notebook and a Playstation 3...my total bill upon check out at Best Buy tonight was over $2300.--
Are you serious!!??
The only reason I gave in was for the 18 months of interest free financing they offered us...that and the fact that I just didn't have the energy to fight!!
I had already been fighting for my life against 3 children all day!!
He had me at a weak moment...and he knew it!
Even a 5 year old, I mean 33 year old knows how to manipulate his Mother...I mean Wife! :)

Hubby: "But now we can watch Blu Ray Movies in our bedroom honey!! And you can surf the net on the laptop while I play video games!!"

me: "Hmmm, sounds SO romantic! Where do I sign!?" :)

Reason number 2 million and 86 why Next Time around, I WILL come back as a man!!
Right up there next to not having to do the laundry or dishes, carry and birth the children, (I know, some of you women enjoy that...I'm not one of them)
AND never again having to bleed for more than 3 days with out dying!!!

I mean really...could you imagine, ladies....walking into a store of your choice and spending thousands of dollars when you've got young children to support...with out even a blink of an eyelash...!? Simply because, you want it!! Whatever IT is at the moment!?
I mean, maybe if money were no option...and you had a ton of it to toss around...but otherwise!? HELLS NO!!!
That's your answer, right!?
ME TOO!?!?

I don't get it.

I have a feeling I never will... unless I grew a penis, perhaps!?

In the meantime...I'd settle for growing "a set" so that the next time my Dear Husband decides he has to have "IT" I can 'sack up' and mean "HELLS NO!" ...when I say it!!!

"Pity Party or no Pitty Party...HELLS NO Old Man!"

.... Next time....

To Botox, or Not To Botox?

My oldest has already mastered the lovely game of "Copy Cat!"
You remember, the game...I'm going to repeat every single thing that comes out of your mouth, and possibly every move you make as well...until you go crazy!?

Anyhow, he's really good at it!
So good in fact, that he has made me aware of something I'm really NOT happy about!

I frown.

That's right, I'm a frown-er. Just like my mother!
I probably frown when I'm happy!?
I can remember, as a child...asking my mother why she was so mad at me...when she would reply that she wasn't mad, I would ask 'then why are you frowning?'

Besides the obvious wrinkles it causes, I'm more concerned with the fact that I'm sending out signals that I'm somehow mad or unhappy, which really isn't the case! (Well, maybe sometimes...but not with out justification!)
I mean really, I don't want my kids thinking I'm unhappy or mad all the time!
In particular, I don't want them to feel like I'm mad or unhappy with them!!!

SO, as much as I HATE needles, I'm seriously considering numbing those muscles!
Shoot'n up with some Botox! I'm a little freaked out about it...but I think if I only did between the eyes, I could still show emotion elsewhere on my face, right!?

I spent an hour in the wrinkle cream aisle last night!
Holy bajesus! You can spend a minimum of $20 up to $100 or more, for a 1-2 ounce jar of some sort of junk that may or may not help!? I have no idea!?

I left with nothing.
I figure I'll ask around...maybe read reviews before buying a bunch of crap I may or may not even use!?

SO, anyone have any good suggestions for wrinkles?!

I'm turning 30 next year, I guess it's time to start thinking about it!?
I feel like I'm 29 going on 50! Grey hairs, wrinkles, aches and pains!!
Good Grief!!

I'm not sure if it's having kids that has aged me to such extremes or just thinking I was physically invincible as a child?! Either way, I'm paying for it now!!

Pirate Parts!

My three year old thinks it's the funniest thing on earth these days to run around pants-ing people! While pulling at the back of my waist line, he laughs his head off saying one of two things:
"I see your butt!" or "wiggle your butt!"

I have no idea what his fascination is with peoples rear ends...but it's really starting to get annoying!

Today, I asked him... while he was pants-ing me....
"What has Mommy told you about respecting people's private parts?!"
this, and I quote...was his response:

"ARGH, I a pirate...I'm gonna get your Pirate Parts!!"

Are you serious!?
Has he really been thinking that all this time...I've been lecturing him on not pirating peoples pirate parts!?
It really is an eye opener to what is and what is not getting through! I think I may need a new approach!?! HA! :)

A Year At A Glance

Isn't that what they call those tiny calendars on postcards...with the days so small you can barely see them!?

Today, I sat in reflection over the past year. I was attempting to write our 2008 Christmas letter which I insert every year with our photo card. The purpose is to catch the family and friends up on what we did for the year....only, I couldn't think of anything!?
I know that so much happened!?!
It's disturbing to me that my memory of the days gone by...is as small as the numbers on the 'At A Glance!' As if the days are so small and insignificant!?

But that's not how I feel!! If anything, I feel the extreme opposite! Like the days are SO precious!! So few that I have left before my kids are off to school and on their way in the world! And yet, when reflecting on the past 365 days I'm left with only a blank page!?!? How can this be!?

Finally, something...our vacations. Yes, they were fun....oh, and so and so's wedding, that was beautiful! OH, and so and so's baby was born...precious....and JB turned one and AJ turned three! These are big things!

Why is it that is all I can remember!
There were so many milestones reached, fun stories, memories made....trouble is ...I can't remember them!?!? How long would it take me to forget these, had I not written them down tonight!?

"Why didn't I start blogging sooner?!" I asked myself. Then I could have just gone back and reviewed what I wrote!

It's such a fine line isn't it!? Balancing life. Being careful to document the past and learn from it, with out living in it!
All the while, planning for the future...but not banking on it!
AND, remembering to live in the moment...being ever present in that which is happening around you, here and now!!

If anyone has figured this one out, please tell me how!?

It reminds me of my favorite song from the musical Rent:

Season's of Love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love.
Seasons of love.

Shopping @ 2AM Relaxes Me...

It's midnight, I can't sleep...for some reason I have energy to burn! Do I want to spend it cleaning?? No. I should, but no. So what do I do, I got to Meijer. For those who haven't heard of Fred Meijer, it's sort of like a Super Target. They have everything! AND, they're open 24 hours!! Works for me, the insomniac!

Anyhow, there is something to be said about shopping midnight to 2am. The store is empty, the kids are home in bed, you can take your time and look at everything!
I literally just wander up and down the aisles, dreaming up stuff I think I need!

Checking out clearance items on the end of the aisles. Putting stuff in my cart, taking it out, putting it back in.... it's all very relaxing to me! I don't know why?! Maybe it's just being alone. With out anyone! No kids, no husband...no one but me and my own thoughts. Or maybe it's the shopping, which distracts me form my own thoughts that I like!? I don't know, but whatever it is... I like it!

Until 6am rolls around that is, and I'm tired from having shopped until Two! That sucks!

Today, while cleaning out my sons ears...my husband walked by and said, "what'cha got growing in there, potatoes?!" I could see his three year old wheels turning as he thought about this...he looked up at me, so concerned and said "Mom, I think maybe I have some carrotts in there!? OR, some Mushrooms!?!" I couldn't stop laughing! THIS, is why I love kids so much!! :)

I'm A Liar

Today, my son asked me where Santa Claus lives.

I'm sure this seems like a reasonable question to most people...but it caught me by surprise since we have never discussed Santa Claus before.
He's only 3...so this will really be the first year he'll even really understand presents! I've always been on the fence about Santa. I mean, technically it's a lie, and sort of hypocritical to teach our children not to lie...then turn around and tell one right after the other...Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy...I have a hard time with it. I much prefer the explanation my Grandma offered me as a child, when I asked her if Santa was real.

She said, Yes....there was once a St. Nicholas, and every year...on Jesus's Birthday he would go around delivering gifts to people.... he would leave them on their doorsteps. We honor his memory with Santa Claus....which has obviously been blown way out of proportion from the original saint! Chimneys, flying reindeer...c'mon!
Do we think our kids are dumb!?
Half the time they only pretend to believe for fear of letting their parents down and/or the risk of losing their presents, of course! :) I don't know! Maybe I'm just cynical!? Having an older brother and sister growing up, I don't think I ever had the chance to believe in Santa Claus!? I think I was 3 myself when my sister said to me "duh, you know Santa isn't real don't you!"

I hate to be the one who has the kid, that ruins it for all the rest...
so I suppose I'll jump off the bridge too!?!

"He lives in the North Pole, Sweetie!" .....I told him. I'm a liar.

The Mother

Since becoming a Mother, I have never understood or appreciated more what it takes to be a good one... and what a good one I have!

The sacrifices we women make in order to bring our children into the world and then raise them to the best of our abilities... it really blows my mind!

It's the most amazing, selfless, loving and beautiful thing I've ever witnessed! I will agree that there are some men out there, who are "Mr. Mom's" and who really do share the majority or at least half of the responsibility of the domestic duties...but from what I can see...they are few and far between! I would be willing to bet, that in most households the woman is the primary caregiver and domestic custodian regardless of whether or not she also generates an income.

For as long as I can remember, all I've ever wanted to be is a Mom!
Now that I am one... I can honestly say, that although I would do it all over again...and wouldn't change a thing...
it is the biggest oxymoron I have ever lived in my life!

Such a confusing mix of emotions between loathing and loving my responsibilities as primary caregiver!
I suppose it is because of the sacrifices...not just of a career, or my time and energy... but of my time with my children.
Somehow, I thought I would have more of it?! It's not the care and time with my children I resent as much as it is the details I have to attend to, that keep me from having time with them!

I read in a celebrity gossip magazine (one of my guilty pleasures, there are many) that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will not be hiring a nanny to help them with their children, they want to raise their children all by themselves! How admirable, that two people with the means to do so, are choosing not to pay someone else to take care of their children!?
Then I thought, neither would I! In fact, if I had that kind of money... I would hire someone to do my laundry, my dishes, clean my house, do my shopping, pay my bills, balance my books, fight my medical claims, do the shopping, run my errands....SOOOOO, that I COULD have more time to spend with my children!!

Speaking of which, I'm off to do just that... :)

My Very First Blog

This morning I awoke to the same nightmare that continues to haunt me day in and day out! I'm buried, buried alive. Not in dirt, or quicksand...but dishes, dirty dishes. And laundry, piles and piles of dirty, bile laundry. I'm sinking in it, suffocating...grasping for something stable to pull me from the mess.
And this folks, is not just my nightmare...it is my reality. Both physically and metaphorically...this is the Messy Mommy Mind of Mel!!

Enter, if you dare. This is a world where no matter how much you wash, there is always more, and more...and still, more dirty dishes and laundry right where the last load came from!

A never ending cycle of filth! My hands may shrivel like prunes, then dry like a desert... but still, more to wash! (sigh)
If this doesn't stress you out, how about three screaming children in the background. One wants a bottle, one needs a diaper change and the other wants you to read a story. How about the one of Happily Ever NEVER!?!

"Just what the hell were you expecting?" I ask myself, puzzled!
Did I honestly think that the American Dream would be anything else, but a dream come true!? Was I thinking at all!?

Then I begin to feel the MG!! That's right, the 'Mommy Guilt!' As if the misery weren't enough, let's top it off with a big ol' stinky load of Mommy Guilt!
The worst kind of guilt, for sure...in fact...I would even go as far as to say you have not experienced guilt until you've experienced that which is Mommy Guilt...that's right, I capitalized it!

My head filled with questions like: "what is wrong with me?!" "Am I depressed?" "Is it too late to call it 'Postpartum?'" "Do I need meds?" "Why am I the only mom in America who sucks at her job!?" and finally "Am I a bad Mom?!" I ask myself?!

Then, I look down at their little faces...so sweet..and innocent. Trusting and forgiving. And I think... I wouldn't change a thing!

That's right! I LOVE MY MESS! :) It's mine...and I love it! Still there are moments, where I honestly think I hate my life...that life would somehow be better if I weren't challenged and taxed to such extremes.
There are days where I yearn for the good ol' days of not getting out of bed all day. Or going out dancing all night!
Heck, I'd settle for taking a crap or a shower...all by myself!
It's the little things I relish now! The little things, that keep me going!

I'm thinking this blog, this space to rant it as I see it...will quickly become a 'little thing' of relief for me as well! We'll see, I guess...stay tuned.