Isn't that what they call those tiny calendars on postcards...with the days so small you can barely see them!?
Today, I sat in reflection over the past year. I was attempting to write our 2008 Christmas letter which I insert every year with our photo card. The purpose is to catch the family and friends up on what we did for the year....only, I couldn't think of anything!?
I know that so much happened!?!
It's disturbing to me that my memory of the days gone by...is as small as the numbers on the 'At A Glance!' As if the days are so small and insignificant!?
But that's not how I feel!! If anything, I feel the extreme opposite! Like the days are SO precious!! So few that I have left before my kids are off to school and on their way in the world! And yet, when reflecting on the past 365 days I'm left with only a blank page!?!? How can this be!?
Finally, something...our vacations. Yes, they were fun....oh, and so and so's wedding, that was beautiful! OH, and so and so's baby was born...precious....and JB turned one and AJ turned three! These are big things!
Why is it that is all I can remember!
There were so many milestones reached, fun stories, memories made....trouble is ...I can't remember them!?!? How long would it take me to forget these, had I not written them down tonight!?
"Why didn't I start blogging sooner?!" I asked myself. Then I could have just gone back and reviewed what I wrote!
It's such a fine line isn't it!? Balancing life. Being careful to document the past and learn from it, with out living in it!
All the while, planning for the future...but not banking on it!
AND, remembering to live in the moment...being ever present in that which is happening around you, here and now!!
If anyone has figured this one out, please tell me how!?
It reminds me of my favorite song from the musical Rent:
Season's of Love
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love.
Seasons of love.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Shopping @ 2AM Relaxes Me...
It's midnight, I can't sleep...for some reason I have energy to burn! Do I want to spend it cleaning?? No. I should, but no. So what do I do, I got to Meijer. For those who haven't heard of Fred Meijer, it's sort of like a Super Target. They have everything! AND, they're open 24 hours!! Works for me, the insomniac!
Anyhow, there is something to be said about shopping midnight to 2am. The store is empty, the kids are home in bed, you can take your time and look at everything!
I literally just wander up and down the aisles, dreaming up stuff I think I need!
Checking out clearance items on the end of the aisles. Putting stuff in my cart, taking it out, putting it back in.... it's all very relaxing to me! I don't know why?! Maybe it's just being alone. With out anyone! No kids, no husband...no one but me and my own thoughts. Or maybe it's the shopping, which distracts me form my own thoughts that I like!? I don't know, but whatever it is... I like it!
Until 6am rolls around that is, and I'm tired from having shopped until Two! That sucks!
Today, while cleaning out my sons ears...my husband walked by and said, "what'cha got growing in there, potatoes?!" I could see his three year old wheels turning as he thought about this...he looked up at me, so concerned and said "Mom, I think maybe I have some carrotts in there!? OR, some Mushrooms!?!" I couldn't stop laughing! THIS, is why I love kids so much!! :)
Anyhow, there is something to be said about shopping midnight to 2am. The store is empty, the kids are home in bed, you can take your time and look at everything!
I literally just wander up and down the aisles, dreaming up stuff I think I need!
Checking out clearance items on the end of the aisles. Putting stuff in my cart, taking it out, putting it back in.... it's all very relaxing to me! I don't know why?! Maybe it's just being alone. With out anyone! No kids, no husband...no one but me and my own thoughts. Or maybe it's the shopping, which distracts me form my own thoughts that I like!? I don't know, but whatever it is... I like it!
Until 6am rolls around that is, and I'm tired from having shopped until Two! That sucks!
Today, while cleaning out my sons ears...my husband walked by and said, "what'cha got growing in there, potatoes?!" I could see his three year old wheels turning as he thought about this...he looked up at me, so concerned and said "Mom, I think maybe I have some carrotts in there!? OR, some Mushrooms!?!" I couldn't stop laughing! THIS, is why I love kids so much!! :)
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I'm A Liar
Today, my son asked me where Santa Claus lives.
I'm sure this seems like a reasonable question to most people...but it caught me by surprise since we have never discussed Santa Claus before.
He's only 3...so this will really be the first year he'll even really understand presents! I've always been on the fence about Santa. I mean, technically it's a lie, and sort of hypocritical to teach our children not to lie...then turn around and tell one right after the other...Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy...I have a hard time with it. I much prefer the explanation my Grandma offered me as a child, when I asked her if Santa was real.
She said, Yes....there was once a St. Nicholas, and every year...on Jesus's Birthday he would go around delivering gifts to people.... he would leave them on their doorsteps. We honor his memory with Santa Claus....which has obviously been blown way out of proportion from the original saint! Chimneys, flying reindeer...c'mon!
Do we think our kids are dumb!?
Half the time they only pretend to believe for fear of letting their parents down and/or the risk of losing their presents, of course! :) I don't know! Maybe I'm just cynical!? Having an older brother and sister growing up, I don't think I ever had the chance to believe in Santa Claus!? I think I was 3 myself when my sister said to me "duh, you know Santa isn't real don't you!"
I hate to be the one who has the kid, that ruins it for all the rest...
so I suppose I'll jump off the bridge too!?!
"He lives in the North Pole, Sweetie!" .....I told him. I'm a liar.
I'm sure this seems like a reasonable question to most people...but it caught me by surprise since we have never discussed Santa Claus before.
He's only 3...so this will really be the first year he'll even really understand presents! I've always been on the fence about Santa. I mean, technically it's a lie, and sort of hypocritical to teach our children not to lie...then turn around and tell one right after the other...Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy...I have a hard time with it. I much prefer the explanation my Grandma offered me as a child, when I asked her if Santa was real.
She said, Yes....there was once a St. Nicholas, and every year...on Jesus's Birthday he would go around delivering gifts to people.... he would leave them on their doorsteps. We honor his memory with Santa Claus....which has obviously been blown way out of proportion from the original saint! Chimneys, flying reindeer...c'mon!
Do we think our kids are dumb!?
Half the time they only pretend to believe for fear of letting their parents down and/or the risk of losing their presents, of course! :) I don't know! Maybe I'm just cynical!? Having an older brother and sister growing up, I don't think I ever had the chance to believe in Santa Claus!? I think I was 3 myself when my sister said to me "duh, you know Santa isn't real don't you!"
I hate to be the one who has the kid, that ruins it for all the rest...
so I suppose I'll jump off the bridge too!?!
"He lives in the North Pole, Sweetie!" .....I told him. I'm a liar.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The Mother
Since becoming a Mother, I have never understood or appreciated more what it takes to be a good one... and what a good one I have!
The sacrifices we women make in order to bring our children into the world and then raise them to the best of our abilities... it really blows my mind!
It's the most amazing, selfless, loving and beautiful thing I've ever witnessed! I will agree that there are some men out there, who are "Mr. Mom's" and who really do share the majority or at least half of the responsibility of the domestic duties...but from what I can see...they are few and far between! I would be willing to bet, that in most households the woman is the primary caregiver and domestic custodian regardless of whether or not she also generates an income.
For as long as I can remember, all I've ever wanted to be is a Mom!
Now that I am one... I can honestly say, that although I would do it all over again...and wouldn't change a thing...
it is the biggest oxymoron I have ever lived in my life!
Such a confusing mix of emotions between loathing and loving my responsibilities as primary caregiver!
I suppose it is because of the sacrifices...not just of a career, or my time and energy... but of my time with my children.
Somehow, I thought I would have more of it?! It's not the care and time with my children I resent as much as it is the details I have to attend to, that keep me from having time with them!
I read in a celebrity gossip magazine (one of my guilty pleasures, there are many) that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will not be hiring a nanny to help them with their children, they want to raise their children all by themselves! How admirable, that two people with the means to do so, are choosing not to pay someone else to take care of their children!?
Then I thought, neither would I! In fact, if I had that kind of money... I would hire someone to do my laundry, my dishes, clean my house, do my shopping, pay my bills, balance my books, fight my medical claims, do the shopping, run my errands....SOOOOO, that I COULD have more time to spend with my children!!
Speaking of which, I'm off to do just that... :)
The sacrifices we women make in order to bring our children into the world and then raise them to the best of our abilities... it really blows my mind!
It's the most amazing, selfless, loving and beautiful thing I've ever witnessed! I will agree that there are some men out there, who are "Mr. Mom's" and who really do share the majority or at least half of the responsibility of the domestic duties...but from what I can see...they are few and far between! I would be willing to bet, that in most households the woman is the primary caregiver and domestic custodian regardless of whether or not she also generates an income.
For as long as I can remember, all I've ever wanted to be is a Mom!
Now that I am one... I can honestly say, that although I would do it all over again...and wouldn't change a thing...
it is the biggest oxymoron I have ever lived in my life!
Such a confusing mix of emotions between loathing and loving my responsibilities as primary caregiver!
I suppose it is because of the sacrifices...not just of a career, or my time and energy... but of my time with my children.
Somehow, I thought I would have more of it?! It's not the care and time with my children I resent as much as it is the details I have to attend to, that keep me from having time with them!
I read in a celebrity gossip magazine (one of my guilty pleasures, there are many) that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will not be hiring a nanny to help them with their children, they want to raise their children all by themselves! How admirable, that two people with the means to do so, are choosing not to pay someone else to take care of their children!?
Then I thought, neither would I! In fact, if I had that kind of money... I would hire someone to do my laundry, my dishes, clean my house, do my shopping, pay my bills, balance my books, fight my medical claims, do the shopping, run my errands....SOOOOO, that I COULD have more time to spend with my children!!
Speaking of which, I'm off to do just that... :)
My Very First Blog
This morning I awoke to the same nightmare that continues to haunt me day in and day out! I'm buried, buried alive. Not in dirt, or quicksand...but dishes, dirty dishes. And laundry, piles and piles of dirty, bile laundry. I'm sinking in it, suffocating...grasping for something stable to pull me from the mess.
And this folks, is not just my nightmare...it is my reality. Both physically and metaphorically...this is the Messy Mommy Mind of Mel!!
Enter, if you dare. This is a world where no matter how much you wash, there is always more, and more...and still, more dirty dishes and laundry right where the last load came from!
A never ending cycle of filth! My hands may shrivel like prunes, then dry like a desert... but still, more to wash! (sigh)
If this doesn't stress you out, how about three screaming children in the background. One wants a bottle, one needs a diaper change and the other wants you to read a story. How about the one of Happily Ever NEVER!?!
"Just what the hell were you expecting?" I ask myself, puzzled!
Did I honestly think that the American Dream would be anything else, but a dream come true!? Was I thinking at all!?
Then I begin to feel the MG!! That's right, the 'Mommy Guilt!' As if the misery weren't enough, let's top it off with a big ol' stinky load of Mommy Guilt!
The worst kind of guilt, for sure...in fact...I would even go as far as to say you have not experienced guilt until you've experienced that which is Mommy Guilt...that's right, I capitalized it!
My head filled with questions like: "what is wrong with me?!" "Am I depressed?" "Is it too late to call it 'Postpartum?'" "Do I need meds?" "Why am I the only mom in America who sucks at her job!?" and finally "Am I a bad Mom?!" I ask myself?!
Then, I look down at their little faces...so sweet..and innocent. Trusting and forgiving. And I think... I wouldn't change a thing!
That's right! I LOVE MY MESS! :) It's mine...and I love it! Still there are moments, where I honestly think I hate my life...that life would somehow be better if I weren't challenged and taxed to such extremes.
There are days where I yearn for the good ol' days of not getting out of bed all day. Or going out dancing all night!
Heck, I'd settle for taking a crap or a shower...all by myself!
It's the little things I relish now! The little things, that keep me going!
I'm thinking this blog, this space to rant it as I see it...will quickly become a 'little thing' of relief for me as well! We'll see, I guess...stay tuned.
And this folks, is not just my nightmare...it is my reality. Both physically and metaphorically...this is the Messy Mommy Mind of Mel!!
Enter, if you dare. This is a world where no matter how much you wash, there is always more, and more...and still, more dirty dishes and laundry right where the last load came from!
A never ending cycle of filth! My hands may shrivel like prunes, then dry like a desert... but still, more to wash! (sigh)
If this doesn't stress you out, how about three screaming children in the background. One wants a bottle, one needs a diaper change and the other wants you to read a story. How about the one of Happily Ever NEVER!?!
"Just what the hell were you expecting?" I ask myself, puzzled!
Did I honestly think that the American Dream would be anything else, but a dream come true!? Was I thinking at all!?
Then I begin to feel the MG!! That's right, the 'Mommy Guilt!' As if the misery weren't enough, let's top it off with a big ol' stinky load of Mommy Guilt!
The worst kind of guilt, for sure...in fact...I would even go as far as to say you have not experienced guilt until you've experienced that which is Mommy Guilt...that's right, I capitalized it!
My head filled with questions like: "what is wrong with me?!" "Am I depressed?" "Is it too late to call it 'Postpartum?'" "Do I need meds?" "Why am I the only mom in America who sucks at her job!?" and finally "Am I a bad Mom?!" I ask myself?!
Then, I look down at their little faces...so sweet..and innocent. Trusting and forgiving. And I think... I wouldn't change a thing!
That's right! I LOVE MY MESS! :) It's mine...and I love it! Still there are moments, where I honestly think I hate my life...that life would somehow be better if I weren't challenged and taxed to such extremes.
There are days where I yearn for the good ol' days of not getting out of bed all day. Or going out dancing all night!
Heck, I'd settle for taking a crap or a shower...all by myself!
It's the little things I relish now! The little things, that keep me going!
I'm thinking this blog, this space to rant it as I see it...will quickly become a 'little thing' of relief for me as well! We'll see, I guess...stay tuned.
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